what’s up gurl?

Hey, everyone! Mandaray here. I’m baaack!

Sorry that I haven’t written in awhile. I tend to only blog when I am strongly moved by something, and the past month has been very busy for me. And League, while fun, is not always a place for deep introspection. But a few recent experiences of mine have gotten the old cogs turning again, and I’ve returned to speak a little about my thoughts.

Basically, what sparked my train of thought was the following exchange, which happened to me a few days ago while I was queuing with a couple of friends of mine:

Out of nowhere, after barely two words spoken, I am immediately tagged as being of “The female gender”. This is said to me in a tone which implies it is something dirty and foul. Why? Did I come out demanding special treatment? Did I hit my Caps Lock button and start yelling, “HEY GUYS I’M A GIRL”? Did I feed the enemy team?

No.  I put a period after the end of my sentence, and used a Clairvoyance near blue that “failed”, as in that it did not reveal anything. (Which considering I was checking for ganks, I feel like this is a good thing.)

This is not the first time this has happened to me, though it is the only time I have screen-capped it. (And as you can see, it took me awhile to do that in this case, as the exchange happened at Level 1 but I was too confused about it to do anything until later in the game.)

Last month, I was in a 5v5 normal as Sona. After a few successful kills and clutch saves, my lane-mate (an MF) expressed excitement with my support skills. I happily thanked them. They then asked me if I played support a lot, to which I said yes. Their immediate response to this was: “ur a girl, right?” I was confused by this. I asked why it mattered. They responded, “because u play support, ur a girl”. I stared at my screen, at a complete loss for words. I wanted to ask them if they were a girl because they were playing as Miss Fortune. They then invited me to join their ranked team. I politely declined. They continued to bug me about it for awhile, then changed tactics and asked if I knew any other support players that could join. I said I couldn’t help them and proceeded to mute them.

A few weeks prior to that, I was duo-queuing with my boyfriend in a normal 5v5. He wanted to practice his support Blitz, so I decided to practice my ADC. I chose Caitlyn because she is who I am best at last hitting with, and I enjoy her play style. No one said anything negative, so I assumed the choice was fine with them. Unfortunately, I was going up against a very aggressive Vayne/Taric combo. The Taric was judicious with the use of his stun, allowing Vayne to close in and take us down. Our Volibear and Ryze began to complain vocally about my deaths. I explained what was going on. I also asked for more ganks from the jungler, since our lane was often pushed up to the turret and ripe for an attack. They obliged–once. When we failed to kill them, they turned to me and said “cait u do no dmg”. And I didn’t. Because I had been getting shut down, I didn’t have any good items. After that, apparently they deemed me unworthy of further assistance, and left me and my lane to die–which we both did. And, of course, upon dying, the insults started up again. I tried explaining my position as calmly and rationally as I could. Then suddenly out of the blue, Ryze asks: “cait are u a girl?”

I swear, I could almost hear them licking their lips and readying their fingers to type out all kinds of nastiness, so I chose not to respond. I was already stressed out enough as it was. Again, at no point in the match had I brought up gender. I never asked what gender my team mates were. I never said I was a girl. Yes, I have a username which is technically feminine. But so what? A lot of people have names which reflect their gender–that’s the point of a handle. It’s an expression of who you are.

Over and over again, I am told that women who state their gender in games are annoying. They are attention seeking, and demanding special treatment for no good reason. They breed resentment where ever they go. And you know what, I actually agree with that. Attention seeking behavior is irritating. Sometimes I will playfully correct someone if they are congratulating me using male signifiers, but it’s not in a bid for attention–it’s simply in good fun, and they take it that way. I do not state “YOU JUST GOT KILLED BY A GIRL! HAHAA!”. I do not go into games saying I am a girl. I am behaving in the way my peers have asked me to.

So why the heck do people keep bringing it up?

Do I go around, asking if my team is made up of males? No. If they do something wrong, do I say it’s because they’re a man? No. Do I go around, asking for special treatment or admiration because of my gender? No.

And yet, my gender is fair game. It’s important. Often, it’s an insult or a joke. I don’t understand. What did I do wrong that others haven’t done before? We’ve all had bad games. We’ve all gotten countered. Several top-tier, tournament level players play support–and they’re men. Why am I different? Why am I “other”?

Obviously, not everyone acts or thinks this way. But this behavior does exist. It is real. To those of you who believe that women asking for better treatment in gaming circles are just whining or seeking attention: please question your assumptions. I have experienced it, and probably will again. So have many others. (And often to a much worse degree.) It’s not fair, and there’s no point to it. More importantly, stuff like this is often why women feel uncomfortable in gaming circles. This is why we are afraid to speak, or feel like we shouldn’t bother. This is why some of us are angry and frustrated. This is why we keep bringing it up.

Calling someone out just because of their gender is wrong, pointless, and honestly pretty stupid. I have a feeling that you wouldn’t like it very much if I did it to you–so please, don’t do it to me.